February has always been a special month for me—not just because it’s my birth month, but because it’s a time when I reflect on where I am in life, what I’ve given, what I’ve lost, and what I still need to do for myself. This year, as I turn 47, I am making a conscious decision: I am focusing on me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been generous to a fault. I give—sometimes more than I should. I sacrifice my wants, my needs, my dreams for the people I love. It’s in my nature. But over the years, I’ve learned, through painful lessons and small victories, that boundaries matter. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to delete toxic people from my life. Yet, I still find myself putting others first too often. And the truth is, I haven’t done enough for myself.

I still need to do more—to love myself more fiercely, to prioritize my happiness the way I prioritize everyone else’s. I have dreams, desires, and simple joys that I have placed on hold for far too long. And this month, I am choosing to say: No more waiting. No more hesitating. No more deprioritizing myself.

There are things I want to accomplish this year—goals I carefully mapped out as part of my 2025 resolutions, scheduling them as early as January 1. But like so many others, I feel like I’ve fallen off the wagon. While I’ve seen progress in our businesses and our marriage—

1. Weekly ONV hotel and resto staff meetings and evaluations
2. Employee of the month recognition for our staff
3. New chairs for our Lami-an Restobar
4. Repairs and improvements being made around our mini resort, Oslob New Village
5. A trial run for new food tray and bilao offerings
6. New clients for my VA & digital marketing company
7. Improved communication and healing in my marriage after disagreements

—my personal goals remain elusive.

• While I had successfully transitioned back to Philippine Time Zone by the end of December 2024, (when I finally got my body to adjust to sleeping at 9 PM and waking up at 5 AM which felt like a small but significant victory), when I supported my husband’s midnight marathon from 12 AM to 5 AM middle of January, it threw off my body clock once again. That disruption cascaded into my sleep schedule, my exercise routine, and my energy levels. Until now, I haven’t been able to successfully return to my intended body clock.
• The books I’ve collected from Big Bad Wolf two years ago and from the Doulos Ship last November remain unread.
• The courses I excitedly signed up for are unfinished, buried under the weight of my daily responsibilities.
• I haven’t checked many of my son’s workbooks because those require time and focus.
• My self-care? Always pushed to the backburner.
• I once dreamed of completing my master’s and pursuing a PhD, but overwhelming exhaustion and responsibilities forced me to set those ambitions aside.

I feel like I’ve been a machine since the start of the year… actually, ever since I can remember—relentlessly working, pushing forward, but somewhere along the way, losing sight of me. The decades of exhaustion is real. The frustration is creeping in. And perimenopause, with its unpredictable mood swings, makes everything feel heavier, darker.

But amidst all this, I remind myself of one thing: Be kind to yourself.

I am doing the best I can with the 24 hours I have. Unlike before, when I forced myself to stay awake to keep working, this year, I allow myself to rest when I feel tired. Sleep still evades me at times—another cruel effect of perimenopause—but at least now, I honor my body’s need for rest. I must learn to be gentler with myself, to flow with my energy instead of fighting against it, to accept that some days will be more productive than others, and that’s okay.

I don’t want to reach 50 (hopefully I reach 50 and beyond!) and look back with regret for not choosing myself more. My son, in his childlike honesty, says 50 is already a “vampiric age”—as if I am ancient, a relic of another era. Maybe in his eyes, I am. But instead of dreading it, I choose to embrace it with power, with grace, with an unapologetic hunger for the life I deserve. I know I designed this life I have now. But this time, I want to design better.

So starting this month, I will do things that bring me joy. I will pamper myself in every sense of the word, whether it’s something as simple as blogging like what I’m doing now because it makes me happy, or savoring my favorite drink, or finally indulging in something luxurious just for me, or allowing myself to rest without guilt. I haven’t yet listed exactly what I want to happen starting this month, but I’ve already warned my husband about it. And I’m happy he’s open to my ideas—maybe:

• I’ll have bi-weekly massages and salon appointments like I’ve always dreamed of…
• maybe I’ll hire my own personal assistant / yaya to help take care of me…
• maybe I’ll go away for a little while to do some soul-searching…
• maybe I’ll learn how to finally drive so I can go away without needing my husband to drive me…
• maybe I’ll step back from my responsibilities in his businesses so I can take care of myself…
• maybe I’ll finally scale my own business, something I’ve been longing to do for the longest time…
• maybe I’ll finally enroll and take up my master’s…

Whatever it is, it will be for me. I will invest in my well-being—physically, emotionally, and mentally. I will give myself permission to want, to need, and to take up space.

Because at the end of the day, if I don’t take care of myself, who will? If I keep waiting for the “perfect time” to prioritize myself, when will that be? Now is the time. Now is my time.

So here’s to February, my birth month. A month of finally choosing me, loving me, and becoming the happiest, healthiest, and most fulfilled version of myself. No apologies. No explanations. Just me, finally saying, “I deserve this.”

And to anyone reading this—especially if you are like me, someone who gives too much and receives too little—maybe it’s time for you to choose yourself too. 💖