Part 1 ended with us entering the hospital not knowing exactly what the next hours would bring.
Morning came anyway.
And with it came the quiet understanding that the day ahead would ask us to let go of the life we had begun imagining.
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Before I begin this story, I want to anchor it to two posts I wrote earlier in my Pregnancy & Perimenopause Diary Series.
At the time, I was writing in real time — still in the “in-between,” still waiting to understand what was happening inside my body.
If you’ve read those entries:
Pregnancy & Perimenopause Diary Series: Notes from the In-Between and
Pregnancy & Perimenopause Diary Series: The Waiting, the Wanting, the Yes
— then you already know the emotional landscape we were standing in.
Those posts captured the uncertainty, the quiet hope, and the fragile possibility that a new life might be beginning.
What I’m sharing now is what happened next.
This story begins on the day we went to my OB’s clinic… on what we thought would be a joyful day — the day we were supposed to hear Baby Lux’s heartbeat for the first time.
We went to my OB’s clinic for a transvaginal ultrasound, expecting the usual moment many parents look forward to: that tiny flicker on the screen that confirms a little life is growing.
Instead, the screen showed something else.
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This is what happened next…
Today was quieter than yesterday.
Not calm exactly… but softer.
At around 3 p.m., Hanz and I went to the diagnostic center for the blood test. The one that would say, clearly and officially, whether this pregnancy was real or not. We waited, did what we had to do, and then decided not to hover. We went to a nearby restaurant for my first meal of the day.
It was a nice moment. Ordinary in the best way. Good food. Sitting across from my husband. Life continuing while something very big hovered in the background.
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This is a personal diary series written in real time.
It’s about pregnancy and perimenopause — not as medical advice, not as inspiration, and not as a lesson already learned — but as lived experience while it’s still unfolding.
I’m not writing this to explain myself, to perform gratitude, or to arrive at neat conclusions.
I’m writing to witness what it feels like to be here.
Some entries may hold uncertainty, grief, tenderness, or contradiction.
That doesn’t mean I’m lost — it means I’m present.
I’m not looking for advice, reassurance, or interpretation.
What I welcome instead is quiet witnessing.
If you’re reading because you’re curious, reflective, or simply human — thank you.
If you’re looking for certainty, answers, or conclusions — this may not be the place.
This is not an announcement.
It’s a diary.
It’s February 1 today.
And instead of planning this post properly, I ended up rereading something I wrote a year ago — “February: The Month I Finally Choose Me.”
I didn’t mean to analyze it. I just wanted to remember how I was feeling back then.
Short answer: tired. Even a little defiant.
Hopeful, yes. But very, very tired.
What struck me most was the list I made.
On one hand, I listed all the things that were working — businesses moving forward, improvements at Oslob New Village, new VA clients, better communication in our marriage. At the time, I acknowledged those wins but somehow still felt like I was falling behind.
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I’ve carried this story quietly for a long time…
Ever since we moved to Oslob in 2021, I’ve been holding an ache I didn’t always know how to name — the ache of leaving a home I loved.
Letting go of our Alabang townhouse broke my heart in ways I didn’t expect. We left because life required it: farming plans, business decisions, homeschooling, practicality, survival.
And since then, we’ve never really gone back, except for a short visit two years ago that only reminded me of what we had left behind.
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I haven’t blogged in a long time.
Not because I didn’t have things to say…
but because I kept waiting to feel ready.
I told myself I would write again when my energy was back to 100%.
…When my emotions were settled.
…When my health felt more stable.
…When life felt lighter.
But the truth is…
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Lately, I’ve been feeling a shift. Not the kind you shout about online or celebrate with a champagne pop. But the kind that whispers gently: “There’s a new way to live, love, and lead. And it begins with less noise, more intention.”
If you’ve followed my journey, you know I’ve always worn many hats—entrepreneur, creative, homeschooling mama, wife, storyteller. For years, I’ve built and juggled, dreamed and delivered, crafted strategies while navigating motherhood and womanhood.
But recently, I realized something:
I don’t want to keep up. I want to go deep.
Have you ever wished there was an easy solution for life’s discomforts? While I can’t promise that all pain will disappear from your life (unless there is some special spell that works!), I can share with you some daily relief methods that may ease those bothersome aches and pains. After all, I know what pain feels like. I suffered from severe back pains for two years during the pandemic. I was living in Cagayan de Oro at that time and I had this on and off terrible pain on my back that radiated to the right side of my groin. I had myself checked; even had my OB looked into my girl parts down there (I had a transvaginal ultrasound) just to be sure but she couldn’t find anything. So I endured… again, as I said, for two years.
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I posted this mini vlog on my social media accounts last Monday and I wanted to share it here too. As I’ve said before, I’m such an introverted person that I really seldom talk to people, but when I do, we get deep into conversations and I notice that most, if not all all of the people I speak with, get surprised when they find out my real age. I’m 45 years old but they all say I look so much younger for my age. Thank you! Sometimes that’s a good thing; sometimes, not so much. I say not so much coz like when I was 25 years old and was earning like P250k/month, no one believed me. Everyone thought I was using my ex’s money when it was the other way around. Lol! Actually, even with Mahal in my late 30’s, I had a feeling his family didn’t believe I am financially independent and can take care of myself. I even supported Mahal during our first few years together. I didn’t mind. We are life partners and I love him! He took care of me and Tuz while I was busy working and that, to me, was priceless. Even now that he’s taking care of us financially, he never stopped taking care of us emotionally and in all the important ways. He’s our hero! Anyway, back to my “baby face”, because I don’t look like my age, I have this feeling that people think and feel that I’m not financially responsible enough. Well, sorry to burst their bubble, but this girl boss here, right now, is set for life… a simple life that is. 😉 Anyhoo, I don’t have any special skincare regimen (although I did experiment on A LOT OF EXPENSIVE SKINCARE PRODUCTS IN THE PAST BUT THE GOOD EFFECTS DIDN’T LAST LONG) but I may have a secret that could be contributing to my seemingly younger-looking skin… younger than 45 at least, from what they say. And if you want to know what this secret is, watch my mini vlog to learn more about it. Let me know if it somehow makes sense. Here it is… 🙂
Oh my goodness!
It’s going to be Christmas soon, then New Year, and I still haven’t blogged about the things I’ve always wanted to blog about (like the happiest Halloween we’ve ever had)! As usual, so many joyful and exciting things have happened and continue to happen in my life for which I am very much thankful! I’m living my dream beach life and each and every day I try my best to spend it as if it were my last but without sacrificing my health too much this time around (hence, I’m not forcing myself to stay awake and do more than what my 16 waking hours would permit) coz health is one thing that we really treasure the most these days plus, at this day and age, it could really be our last with Covid around and this endless pandemic!
Anyway, it’s a blessing in disguise that Facebook disabled my account last Friday night just because I was posting photos of Mahal and Tuz in a five-star resort bathtub! They weren’t fully naked and I didn’t know bathtub photos were not allowed so I immediately deleted the post only to be disabled afterward. I can’t post, I can’t comment, I can’t react… and it’s going to be for a week! Argh! Has this happened to you before? What did you do?
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MomTraNeur 