pondering

Random Thoughts of a 40-Year Old Mom

So it’s Day 2 of my 30-day blog challenge which I hope to turn into a daily routine for as long as I live. (The first day of this challenge was yesterday) I’ve only slept 4 hours because baby Tuz woke me up to have his diapers changed and I couldn’t anymore sleep after that.

I think one effect of doing this challenge is that I have something I love that I am now looking forward to in my day. It’s not just work-eat-sleep anymore (long version: take care of Tuz-chores-work-feeling a bit empty and lonely coz Mahal is at the farm during weekdays-cook-social media-watch videos-sleep). I am now actually adding a bit of excitement to my day by thinking about what to write next and then actually writing down my thoughts.

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suicide-and-depression

Suicide and Depression – What to Do?

Do you know anyone suffering from thoughts of suicide and depression? I was reading an article from The Asian Parent about a local celebrity, Nadine Lustre, and her letter to her brother who recently passed away due to suicide when all of a sudden I found myself crying.

My own brother, about 15 years ago, almost took his own life right in front of me by stabbing his chest with a knife and I guess the article just brought back many of those dark memories. He is quite okay now, a dad of 2 kids with a 3rd baby on the way and living with his second life partner. From time to time, he still expresses sadness and depression about his first failed relationship and has had major outbursts of anger and depression, but overall, he is much better now.

I myself, dealt with major feelings of depressions and thoughts of suicide growing up. I had severe teenage angst, anxiety and panic attacks due to the pressure I was put into by my grandparents to consistently be on top of my class that carried well over into my adulthood, which I think contributed to the demise of my first marriage. While I’ve been so much better at handling negative emotions since I’ve been with my current partner of 3 years now, I must admit that it’s just lately that feelings of depression started settling in again.
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Thoughts of 39-Year Old Mom About Her Dreams, Regrets and More…

Since we got back from a very long road trip, life has been back to normal. And by normal I mean, very busy being full-time, stay-at-home parents to our 18-month old toddler, Tuz. We’ve gotten back to our natural body clock which is on U.S. Time Zone (I swear, it keeps going back to this time zone for no apparent reason at all!) and we’ve quite settled into our new routine:

  1. Wake up before or after midnight.
  2. Fix bed.
  3. Prepare breakfast/brunch.
  4. Do chores.
  5. Let Tuz play in the rubber pool.
  6. Bathe together.
  7. Dress up.
  8. Go out for errands or food at dawn.
  9. Work.
  10. Provide more activities for Tuz.
  11. Prep meals.
  12. Do other chores.
  13. Wind down.
  14. Sleep before noon or after.

Then the whole thing starts all over again the next day. It’s been like this for a month now.  Continue reading

I Quit Social Media for a Week and Here’s What Happened…

I think I started my year right by quitting social media – for at least a week now… and I plan to do more!  I’ve actually been wanting to quit for a long time now because it has become quite toxic for me. Instead of doing other more important things, I find myself wasting precious time perfecting photos I want to upload and share, coming up with posts that can garner more likes, mindlessly browsing at Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc. Social sharing is okay up to a certain extent especially if it offers valuable information that I need and especially if it makes me feel good, but if it doesn’t make my life better anymore, if it brings out negative feelings in me, if it’s not contributing anymore to my well-being and the well-being of my family, I guess that’s the time to call it quits.  I’m not even “chismosa” in real life. I’m a quiet person. I mind my own business. And I more often than not don’t care about what my neighbors do. But with social media being open to the world, it’s like something is pulling me to eavesdrop or take a peek at other people’s lives and most of the time, the things I see just make me feel depressed about my own. But since it’s part of my job (I manage a lot of social media accounts for my clients), I really can’t quit it all together and that’s okay. What I mean is to quit my own personal social media which I’ve done for the past week. And here’s what happened: Continue reading

Halloween

Thoughts This Halloween

I’ve been a lot busier than usual with everything that I had to do (my VA / Virtual Assistant biz, baby stuff, house chores, errands, holiday activities, etc). Our baby Tuz is a lot more active (climbing everywhere he could climb), he easily gets bored now with his old toys (we may need to resell his jumperoo and walker which he only used quite a few times before) and he’s fussier than usual. He cries then laughs then cries again for no apparent reason. We’ve done everything we know until such time that he simply gets tired and takes a nap and then… FREEDOM — for a little while at least, hence this post, before our 11-month old baby wakes up again and our merry-go-round continues. Continue reading

Random Thoughts This Rainy Night

It’s been 2 months since I started my MOMTRANEUR blog on July 26 and my plan was to have new content once a week. But as luck would have it, it’s in my nature to follow my inklings and cravings and I tend to write whenever I’m inspired so instead of having done 10 blog posts as of today, I already have 15 posts. Yey for me!

On the other hand, I wasn’t able to follow my schedule which is to blog every Tuesday because of course, I can’t force myself to feel inspired to write every Tuesday. And when I’m not inspired, I can’t write nor do I want to write. Tonight for instance, it’s Friday evening, it’s raining so hard, my wi-fi is so weak I can’t even finish what I’m doing online but I feel like writing my thoughts (which later I will post when my wi-fi connection gets better), so here I am writing on my notepad.

Anyway, my point is, yes I’m trying to get there… eventually. The point is, … Continue reading